Hello all, my name is dirkinstone. I am very new to magick and had a scary event happen to me, or rather one that I did not understand. I have a lot of questions. If you feel you can, please help me.
I found and joined this site yesterday. I have studied deeply into many religions in school. I have a very open mind and spirit, so I saw the justifications in them all. It just seems that all of the major ones have one flaw, they are geared to set the standards of their followers. For lack of a better word, control their people. All but a few that is. Almost every following I have studied involving a magick source, seem to only be created to better and empower the individual, rather then the whole. This is why I found that these, almost self-improving, causes were my calling.
on to the point...
I read through the forums of this sight and found that more then one person seem to agree that meditation is the first and most important step. So last night I went out into my backyard to do so. I have three huge, aged oak trees almost in a perfect triangle with a natural creek running behind them. I have always felt that it was a very powerful and relaxing place, so I sat right in the middle of the three trees. I sat with my legs crossed and my arms at my side and began to open my mind and soul. The only light was the light on my porch (about 100 yards away) so I was pretty much in the pitch dark. The moon, sadly because I am a Cancer, was blocked by heavy clouds.
Not long after I cleared my mind of all thought, and slowed my breathing, strange things started happening to me that I have never felt before. The little amount of light that reached me, began to transform into almost a fluid state. It started to defy all laws it has, for all time, abided by. It started wrapping around corners and into shadows, almost like it was set free. It felt very peiceful and warm, so I just let it be, and kept my mind clear. I started to see a blue aura coming from the creek, almost as though I was watching it evaporate and spreading its energy into the air.
Soon after, I started to see everything around me in color. I could see and feel everything connected. The three trees admitted a deep red color, almost as though they were on fire, and I started to feel their presence. It felt like they were their own entities and were excited they finally had someone to tell the secrets of the earth to. It almost felt like they were trying to communicate with me with energy. I felt connected to everything around me, all my inhibitions seamed to melt away, and were replaced by the energy of the earth. It felt like my mind was set free of all restrictions and I was entering a state of enlighnment. If I were to have to died then and there, I would have been content because it was to me, the first time I was living my life the way it was mint to be.
My euphoria lasted for what seemed for lifetimes, (when I went back into the house I saw it was only 20 minutes). It was as though time stopped and paid attention to only me. As I was nearing the end of my mediation, the really scary thing I was talking about happened. Not on my own will, I started speaking. It didn't seem like a language, but rather a mixture of all of them, all at once. The peacefulness of the earth left, It left me with something very dark. It made me feel like I would never be happy again. It felt like it hated me, a mixture of, anger, torment, resentment, and pure evil. It also felt much more powerful then I. I quickly closed my mind and went inside scared out of my wits.
Can anyone make anything of this darkness? Was my enlightenment real, or did someone slip some LSD in my drink? Am I crazy? Were all the wonderful feelings those of magick?
Any and all help and insight would be a very great help.
I was also wondering if anyone, experienced in the beauty of magick, might be willing and able to take on a very egear student.