This has become a big problem for me. I don't find any enjoyment in my path anymore. I actually just feel totally unmotivated and lost. I haven't kept up practice, I just feel so completely guilty that I haven't done anything. And I think now that this feeling of guilt is actually keeping me from practicing, because I've begun to associate negative feelings of guilt, stress and pressure with spirituality.
I'm just going to chuck my feelings out here right now, so I can get my head straight. Originally, I was very dedicated to my path. I disliked making my offerings a chore, but I found that as it was a responsibility I needed to do it, and my enjoyment shouldn't be a factor. However, as I continued my practice, making offerings and praying even when my heart wasn't in it or I didn't feel anything to give (i.e. in prayer), I made myself do it. This made me feel just empty, and sick of it in the end. I hated that I was forcing myself to do it, even though I love and respect those I was doing it for. It just felt like a chore, which killed all emotion I had. This also led to a feeling of powerlessness - I was doing it, but I didn't feel like I was, if that makes sense. My path, though mine, felt out of my control.
I then began to feel guilty for NOT doing it, which I felt every time I thought about my practice. This put me off practicing because, as I kept things up, I just felt worse. Now I just avoid it, part subconsciously I think, because I associate it with those negative feelings.
Because my practice has drifted and faded, and my attempts to take the reins in my practices has failed, I feel just lethargic. All I loved in it has gone, and I just want that beautiful feeling back; the feeling of empowerment, connectivity, and PRIDE in my work. A feeling of loving my practice.
I started doing bits of practice. Feeding birds for a deity, playing music for a deity, singing as prayer. These things I love, but there's still that horrible weight on my chest, something I feel like I just can't escape.
I should note, although everyone has work and responsibilities, I am a hard-working student active in my community, and so I have little free time. I'm constantly stressed - not considering the added pressures of my spirituality. I could never get a break, because I used to dedicate so much time to my practice, something I no longer feel that I can physically bring myself to do because of the weight it is on me - this time is now spent trying to deal with the stress that's building inside of me, and trying to get myself to practice at times.
I think another important matter is my perfectionism. I wonder sometimes if this is obsessive behaviour, or just sensitivity to the energy I am working with, but it can be exhausting. I spend probably as much time in preparation for prayer and ritual as I do in the actual acts themselves. This isn't an issue, but it IS very exhausting sometimes.
I came to this path for freedom. I came to it for happiness and to find a way to heighten my connection with and love for nature. I sought this path out originally just because I love nature, and wanted to build on that in my spiritual life. Now, I feel just tied down, and with so many expectations on myself I can hardly face my own spiritual life.
Sorry. I needed to ramble. I guess there's not much to be done here beyond me making the choice to get off my lazy behind, or give up. But it just really, really sucks.