seeking the truth. (help me find my own spiritual e

im new here..
i don't know where Togo.. so i posted here. i think its better then asking someone directly. let me introduce my self..

name: Muhammad khoirul anwar (in arabic that mean the brightest lights of Mohammed's goodness)
birth: 3 january 1995, 10.AM
religion: Muslim

i believe in magic, and i want to learn about magic.. but i must know about my self first. like, what can i do, what can't i do, what kind of magic that equal or maybe suit with me, how i know when I'm ready to use magic...

with the subject i write above i think you already know what i mean..
help me find my own spiritual energy.

ow. a little story...
why i want to learn magic...
when i was 16yrs old my parent tell story that my childhood is full of mystical issue.. like, born as premature, several month got several illness....
next year after my birth. i wake up screaming in almost all night at full moon, then my father casting some spell to me with sugar as tool(my mother say that, my father keep it secret) to calm me down.
4yrs old, i've baptized. in my culture its should be 5yrs old to do that. but still idk why my father did that, ithink its because im abnormal or I'm special...
9yrs old, changing culture. leave my father's believe, and feel suit with my mother's culture. (my father and my mother is from different race, but their God is One and the Only One) and my parents, both leave me until i'm 15 yrs old.
2010 (15yrs old)back to my father's culture. but something is wrong. this culture is more like mythic tradition than just Muslim religion that i believe. until now i really want to leave this place.
2011 (16yrs old) i ride my first motorcycle, (in my medical history) may,27,2011 friday night get crashed in traffic.. both my arms are cracked, almost lose my left eye.. no. i remember my left eye is full blind and flashing red like i see some unstructured thing but it's definitely something..
2days later out of hospital., and next week somehow its cured like nothing happening. but scratch in my brow its never fade untill now.
2012 (17yrs old) found an ancient weapon that exist since world's war 2 (you know when nuclear bomb at Hiroshima and Nagasaki, our country is also in the middle of war.INDONESIA), But that weapons may be older. i ask to my father. he say it's his father's weapon. he tell story that weapons have mythical power. some able to call wind, another can conjure something unseen (like ghost,jin, demon or something), and the other can force enemy to suicide.. there are 4 weapon sealed with magic sircle with arabic letter. the last weapon is unkown power.. also he said need magical instrument to take care of it
2013 (18yrs old) at the end of my high school. crash again but this time i survive at 130 km/h. im ok, but my bike is splited into two pieces. idk how it's happen?.
2013 (before college) just right before saying goodbye, my father stop me and give me an amulet. its have 5 side, circled Arabic letter inside it.. (i can give you a picture if u want it).
2017 (22yrs old) now i'm graduated with good rank. But!

YEARS AFTER YEARS i seeking the truth about me, my family, my father, and my Father's father. still can't find the answer.
so last month i ask again about those ancient artifact (weapon). he telling the truth, but still i think he hides something as he slam my mother cus she almost touching those weapon.. my sister also not allowed to touch them. i asking why woman not allowed and my father change the topics..

i ask my uncle about my grandpa, he say : only my father that recieve little knowledge as heirloom and that weapon to cast it, and some rituall is needed to regain its power. but i never see when my father use those weapon. and when first time i found that weapon its ruined, Rusty, two of them is still structured.

some night i have a dream. isee its original structure. colored cloud around it and something inside it. i wake up quick after i see creature inside it. not sure what is it. i think i should let this dream flow to find the truth. some time that nightmare appear but its in rare conditions. idk when the next dream or nightmare appear.

i still can't find the clue! after i open up my memories.
still, no clue about my ownself. i mean the truth of my self..
i can't use magic.

will someone help me?
you can analyze my story,
you can say im crazy, or i cursed, or i was blessed with magic.
help me please.. i trust you guys
help me find the truth.
and how do i know my own spiritual energy.


Thankyou. you can asking more about me

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This does indeed sound like an intriguing set of events that have been going on in your life. I can understand why it would inspire you to want to find some answers. It might take some time to come up with some ideas and theories.

I have a couple questions that might help clarify things as well. I am a little confused in the wording.

I am most curious about the weapons and would like to get more details about them if I can. What kind of a weapon did you find? Do you know anything about that weapon's history? How or where it was used, or if there are any stories or events that the weapon was significant in? Also does your family have all four of the weapons that you mentioned, or just one weapon that is a part of a set of four? Is there a picture of them i their resting place with the seal, and/or a translation of the arabic letter? A picture of the amulet would also indeed be of help.

It might also help if you can share which cultures you have been raised in. You mentioned switching your attention between two of them. Most often the magical natures and lore behind different ideas and objects are specific to different cultures so it can help with the research.

This thread has been moved to Misc Topics from Introduce Yourself.

Is the weapon a Kris? This is like a wavy dagger and sometimes they are enchanted and a Djinn is put into them.
To use one, you would have to be the master of the Djinn.

Yes!!
it is kriss..

(short explanation)
in the history that i have ever learn. kriss is kind of daggers that only given as a symbols of Noble one (sorry i'm a little slow on studying).

my grand father was a noble family in the 70's, in the middle of war (that i mention) my grandfather's and his brother, with another clans are called to protect this vilage and other nearby city. i believe that was the time when its used.
idk when this vilage is saved.

in the last day of my grandparents,(i'm not even born)
as a big family. of course they have problem about heritage.
there are 8 heirs. idk how they split that heritages but my older uncle say it was fair split. my father isn't in place while his family's gathering (he is in western borneo). so without agreement of all brother, my father rechive nothing but small empty territories (when my father come back it was too late, that heritage was validated by law). my grandfather know that his son and daughter are so, say, selfish..
right before my grand father's last breath then my father receive something bigger, directly From my grandfather (what is he give to my father is unknown, because they are kicked out by my grandfather's trusted assistant. also my father won't tell me). i believe that is what i talking about..

oops! i talk too much... but you better know.

and now about those kriss. i can't open it as much as i wanted., also i'm not yet have or touching any handphone when i first found that weapon.

about the arabic letter, i can't translate them (like i said im too weak for study).

forget to mention. when first i open up then sealed weapon, that seal is already broken (of course, its use paper and have been there for long ages), so that weapon is still active or not, idk, but my father still thread it carefully. like his own baby.

(edited.):
about the Amulet. i learn more about letter that i can read in Amulet. is can be "Waheed" but Ya' is missing so, Waheed its like Wa Huda. so, Waheed mean "One" and Huda mean "Guide". idk wich one its True..
i uploaded that Amulet's Picture and use it as my PhotoProfile

(edit2:)
About the Kriss i uploaded in my profile. idk if you can see it.. My Father's Have is Ruined but at Least its Structured like This, I found a Site that Explain about Pamor and Its power on keris. http://kibaguswijaya.com/jenis-pamor-keris-beserta-manfaat.html . But its useless until i found its original Structure.

About my Culture:
Simple explanation in my opinion
My Father's Culture its like. "Follow God's Path, obey what God's Command, do what necessary to Keep Receive Blessing of God to maintain the Glory of the people. and Thankful what you have receive. give honor to Nature to maintain Glory of people".

My mother's Culture its Like. "Follow God's Guidance , do God's commands, stay away from God's prohibitions. Instead of Crabbing what you don't have, Thankful what you have. God give everything you need, Not what you Want."

differences.
MY father's Culture is. Depending on How your Activity to make you (and people around you) always in greatness. ("do what necessary" that is something wrong, if u know what i mean). The point is, imagine That "Water is God's Blessing"., like how did you make watter flowing and point them on your desired places.

MY Mother's culture is. If you have something you that don't need, Give it to other might need it most. (meaning of "Instead of Crabbing what you don't have, Thankful what you have"). Your doing is Counted and return to you even better. its like a cloud cycle. u don't need to know when the rain come.
That why i feel comfort with my Mother's Culture.

The problem is. i still don't know my Place. its in my father's side, or my Mother's side

can i use Magic to protect me, or the Magic it self Flowing up on my Self and protect me in my time of need.

still can't find the truth.