I am brand new to this site. I have been interested in occultic practice since I was but a wee preacher's kid. When I was over the idea that my parents' big scary jealous God was going to send me to hell forever and ever amen, I did what all good preacher's kids do - I discovered for myself the truths about my own culture's spiritual practices, and there began, without my realizing it, through the marriage to an abusive man, my Life's Path as a Medium, Shamanic Healer, and Kahuna Wahine (essentially a Medicine Woman in my culture, sort of). At any rate, throughout the time that I have been married to this person, the abuse has been rampant, he doesn't realize that even now, as he is ailing horrifically from the Karma he created with just about everyone in his life, he is still abusive. We remain "on paper," and because of who I am, and unbeknownst to me at the time that I "made this promise" to not divorce him as he would rather be able to not carry on the family tradition of the first wife being the practice wife. He practiced the family tradition, very well, enough to ensure that he would end up with a bad heart, an inability to breathe, he is incapable of walking very far without having to stop to catch his breath, he still does ALL of the bad habits he has always done, for many years, and still, he lingers, and when I say linger, I mean just that.
He is emotionally abusive, and while it is that he has served me with the correct lessons that I needed to have to be the public speaker and advocate that I am become, particularly with the set of those in the world who can also be called clergy and with high school and college audiences, and while it is that everything else is already exacted, no matter what I do in regards to even him remaining alive, which is not what he wants to do, he lingers.
My intention is always set that he be allowed to rest in peace, but something tells me that he is flip-flopping, and doing so out of fear or (my thought) revenge, because he also knows that the one thing that I want is freedom from this mess he has brought into our lives. He is morbidly unhappy, constantly in pain, and mix those things with the losses we suffered years ago, and the idea that this person is highly materialistic and "on paper" with someone who is not...I am sure I do not need to go further with the idea that yes, while my life outside of this one thing is beautiful and gets better, this one part is draining me, and I am at a loss as to what else there is I can do.
I keep being told that if I file divorce, he will contest it, will make my life harder than he already knows he has, and sometimes, when he does this, I really can only see a demon, seriously, and that is really what I am thinking that i am dealing with. My mediumship ability has already given me hints and such that he is no longer for this world, and he believes in no higher power, does not realize that the energy he creates is real, likes to tell me that he is going to "call the proper authorities," and from my own experience with this person, he calls them, places blame somehow on me or at least not on his own self, and even though these "authorities" show up, he technically is not doing anything to have them even remove him.
I could go on and on. It is so bad that we have not slept in the same room together in over three years, but this does not stop this person from expecting me to "perform my wifely duties" and no, I do not, and I will not, because it literally makes me ill, yes, from my soul, out, and really, I am done. I cannot emotionally handle any more implication of a fight, of the threats, of anything, and it is not like I want to continue fighting with him, but if I file for divorce, I already know he will make my life worse than already it is where he is concerned.
I have NO CLUE what to do now, other than wait and grow old for him to transition. Sometimes I think he really is being kept alive by an entity which is messing with me.
Any...ANY suggestions would be great. I am able to write and spell cast, but in this one instance, I seem to be "off" somehow.
I know of a similar situation, it was verbal abuse. Maybe talk to someone trained for help, telling them that you are unhappy with him and vice versa interested in leaving him and what you have told us. Have you tried leaving him at all. I find it really annoying that files for divorce must require both spouses to agree on it. Spells can only do so much, just like praying. But trust me, the only reason why he is still clinging to you is because he thinks that he needs you. And if you are also afraid, you should also tell them that as well.
But have you tried using herbs that ward off bad spirits? It is known to do s in these forums.
I thank you both for your kindness and your concern, and while it is that I know things of this nature take time, and that also things of the tangible nature which I initially inquired about also take time, but for the moment I will accept what has happened over the last few days.
Since Friday we had been arguing, fighting, allowing the ugliness of whatever it was and has been overwhelming the both of us for years to take hold and be what it was meant to be. I am not one, as I have said, for fighting, as I much prefer to be able to talk things out and come to an agreeable balance where, even if neither party is "getting what they want," at the very little least, there will be some modicum of peace. Well, we hashed it out until Monday, and it was not until Tuesday that this man finally admitted, and it is still up in the air if he accepts it or not, that the reason we cannot be together is because we absolutely have nothing but children and a painful past history in common.
If I had to draw a picture, what we have with the two of us are a set of parents who care about their kids, but we do not and have not really ever had any kind of marriage, because the bottom line is that we are so very different that if we had seen each other from across a room, at this time in our lives, we would probably not even be interested in each other, because we would know that we are not the others' kind of person. This is the reality that I have known for a long time, and the only reason that I know of as to why we were married to begin with is because it would have to have been through me that the legacy of domestic abuse on women in the lineage that is that of my children's father's family that has been very long and ugly. I knew a long time ago that my purpose for being in this man's life was to bring into the world these three children who would be the start of the releasing of the energy of abusive behavior on families through the ending of the cycle of those things through me.
I was meant to marry this person so that I would know how to communicate with my healing clients, most of which are abuse victims and survivors, to whom I teach hula. While it might seem a bit odd that I would allow this person to stay in this house with us, it really is not, because in terms of being the Kahuna Wahine, it is my duty to see to it that at least an understanding of who a person is for real and that they know that who they are is not a bad thing. I had to teach him this. He came to me while I was out in my son's treehouse talking to my 'Aumakua and asking for guidance and asking to please help me restore the balance in the house.
I will not say that I trust this person, but I will state that he now sees me in a different manner, has, himself, explained to the kids that this is what has happened, that it was not they who brought these things about and that the reason that this has been so awful is NOT because of me, as I have always known this to be the truth.
We are now on neutral terms, and his health has again taken a dip, and this is also another reason that he is here - he has no family, only his kids. I am a healer. It is not only my job, but it is my family Kuleana (responsibility) to live up to the energy that is Kahuna, that is the healer and the high priestess, and I am only allowed to turn to Magick, in my culture it is known as "the death prayer," and also known, in my language, as Pule'ana'ana, which is something that I normally tend to stay away from because there is no telling who may well be sending that very energy to me for whatever reason they may or may not have.
It was more the mental stress and emotionally overwhelming energy that this man emits all the time, and now that this has happened, I have another set of people who I have to walk through the Fire with, proverbially, and that set of people are my parents. My born again parents have always been those type who see my ways as wrong and my ways as a sin against their god and them as well, and I am surprised that my dad has not disowned me yet. My entire life has been filled with people who have only seen and known and focused on what it is that they do not like, and the bad part about these people is that they never see anyone else in the things that they exact. It is not my job to teach them any lesson. It is only my job, through my actions in front of these people, through the love within me, that I show them what is the light and the goodness in the things that I am able to do.
It used to hurt me that they would say things so awful about my friends, many of whom are magickal practitioners themselves, and to hear this man talk about how much better they as Christians are than I am as whatever it is that I am...well, there is a lot of balancing that I know has to take place for my own healing practice to take off like I see it happening this year.
I thank you so very much for your concern...
I will be back with more updates. Mahalo nui loa from Los Angeles
