I am brand new to this site. I have been interested in occultic practice since I was but a wee preacher's kid. When I was over the idea that my parents' big scary jealous God was going to send me to hell forever and ever amen, I did what all good preacher's kids do - I discovered for myself the truths about my own culture's spiritual practices, and there began, without my realizing it, through the marriage to an abusive man, my Life's Path as a Medium, Shamanic Healer, and Kahuna Wahine (essentially a Medicine Woman in my culture, sort of). At any rate, throughout the time that I have been married to this person, the abuse has been rampant, he doesn't realize that even now, as he is ailing horrifically from the Karma he created with just about everyone in his life, he is still abusive. We remain "on paper," and because of who I am, and unbeknownst to me at the time that I "made this promise" to not divorce him as he would rather be able to not carry on the family tradition of the first wife being the practice wife. He practiced the family tradition, very well, enough to ensure that he would end up with a bad heart, an inability to breathe, he is incapable of walking very far without having to stop to catch his breath, he still does ALL of the bad habits he has always done, for many years, and still, he lingers, and when I say linger, I mean just that.
He is emotionally abusive, and while it is that he has served me with the correct lessons that I needed to have to be the public speaker and advocate that I am become, particularly with the set of those in the world who can also be called clergy and with high school and college audiences, and while it is that everything else is already exacted, no matter what I do in regards to even him remaining alive, which is not what he wants to do, he lingers.
My intention is always set that he be allowed to rest in peace, but something tells me that he is flip-flopping, and doing so out of fear or (my thought) revenge, because he also knows that the one thing that I want is freedom from this mess he has brought into our lives. He is morbidly unhappy, constantly in pain, and mix those things with the losses we suffered years ago, and the idea that this person is highly materialistic and "on paper" with someone who is not...I am sure I do not need to go further with the idea that yes, while my life outside of this one thing is beautiful and gets better, this one part is draining me, and I am at a loss as to what else there is I can do.
I keep being told that if I file divorce, he will contest it, will make my life harder than he already knows he has, and sometimes, when he does this, I really can only see a demon, seriously, and that is really what I am thinking that i am dealing with. My mediumship ability has already given me hints and such that he is no longer for this world, and he believes in no higher power, does not realize that the energy he creates is real, likes to tell me that he is going to "call the proper authorities," and from my own experience with this person, he calls them, places blame somehow on me or at least not on his own self, and even though these "authorities" show up, he technically is not doing anything to have them even remove him.
I could go on and on. It is so bad that we have not slept in the same room together in over three years, but this does not stop this person from expecting me to "perform my wifely duties" and no, I do not, and I will not, because it literally makes me ill, yes, from my soul, out, and really, I am done. I cannot emotionally handle any more implication of a fight, of the threats, of anything, and it is not like I want to continue fighting with him, but if I file for divorce, I already know he will make my life worse than already it is where he is concerned.
I have NO CLUE what to do now, other than wait and grow old for him to transition. Sometimes I think he really is being kept alive by an entity which is messing with me.
Any...ANY suggestions would be great. I am able to write and spell cast, but in this one instance, I seem to be "off" somehow.