ritual humor

The Chocolate Ritual written by John Shepard,

Materials required: On the altar there are brown candles; a Tootsie Roll (the great big one-as the athame); a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice); a small dish of Nestlé's Quick and a spoon; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE: (Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles) Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat adhere to me And as I will So Mote It BE! Nestlé's Quick where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, and make my milk all chocolaty!

CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll): CALL THE QUARTERS: Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! great prince of the palace of dessert. Be present, we pray thee, And guard this circle from all moochers Approaching from the East. Fondue of the South, Molten One! Great prince of the palace decadence. Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diet Approaching from the South. Cocoa of the West, Satisfying One! Great prince of the palace of thirst. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all carob Approaching from the West. Rocky Road of the North, Cold One! Great prince of the palace of crunchy. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all cheap imitations Approaching from the North.

MAIN RITUAL: HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called; Godiva, Ethel M, Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names: HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence.

For mine is the ecstasy of phenylalanine (FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN), and mine is also the Joy on Earth, yea, even into High Orbit for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand." Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death.......well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere: I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again....and again....and again...... and again. Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.

For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery; "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it." For behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed Be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names. HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter of Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out.

You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "Baking Chocolate" for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.

Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I will never be farther away from you that that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.

CUPCAKES & YOO-HOO: (The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo) HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better that dark chocolate. HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate. HP: For both are better than the falsely named "White Chocolate." HPS: And neither one is carob. HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake. HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar. BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate. (The blessing of the cupcakes)

HP: Frosting is keen, HPS: And the frosting is neat. BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat! Feasting and drinking (chocolate liqueur, if possible), music and dance. Dismiss Quarters. HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the _______________, We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best." ALL: "Chooooc-laaate."

(After all the quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at the East.) Close circle.

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