Hey. It might be pretty obvious to frequent members here that I’m a new account, a new anon posting probably stupid things to the forum board, but before you leave, I’ve got some questions. This might even get taken down— I don’t know. I don’t really care.
A couple years ago I used to have an account here and browse regularly, I saved a ton of spells, did a lot of research, and stayed in touch with a couple people for a while. I guess I’d say it was the religious peak of my life— I was younger at the time, I had my own views about death, and magic, and everything, but since then, I gave up religion and my views started to get more and more atheist, more corrupt. I had a bunch of bad interactions and memories from religion... but this site specifically.
I know so far it probably doesn’t even make sense. I mean, why am I even here. Over the past couple months I’ve been realizing that I need to get my shit together and I need to come to terms with some things.
My mental health bas been, well, bad. For a very long time. The first time I thought about... yeah, was when I was 11. I told myself I wouldn’t do it until a certain date, at least, and I’d give myself time to get better, and everything is worse and that date is approaching pretty quickly. Last summer I got really close, I’d made plans, got rid of a lot of my stuff, and I was actually holding a bottle of pills. I was going to steal a rope that night. I wish I’d just done it.
This is sensitive information, but oh well.
I want to figure out what I believe about death again. I don’t even understand what I believed back then. I need help figuring this out, whether it’s for comfort or as a crutch to survive. I really need help, any tips are appreciated
I think this topic is extremely delicate. I don't think your plan is the right way to go. I used to do similar, and decided to fight my way out of it. I faced what is within myself, discovered why I experience these ideations (at least some of why; life is a process, after all), and decided to overcome. I believe you can, too, but it is your choice to make. I cannot encourage you on your current path.
The first thing, unrelated to the above, which really stands out to me, is that you call an atheistic approach corrupt. I most certainly do not support that opinion. Theistic, atheistic, spiritual or purely mental, it's all belief. Some aspects are better verifiable than others, but that doesn't invalidate any of it.
As for what comes after? I have no idea. I don't think there's any real answer, as the answers change from person to person, belief to belief. I'm not really sure it even matters within my own scope of beliefs. I hold that the goal in life is to be the best "you" which you can, and to pursue whatever it is to improve yourself as a person. We all have our differences and commonalities, and that's fine. It's how it even should be.
And here's the thing: You say your mental health has been bad. You mention this starting when you were eleven years old. It's a rough time for most people, the physical transition between child and adult. I'll assume you're still probably a teenager, and going through a lot of the same which happened then. I think these depressive thoughts and emotions have a source, possibly chemical, possibly environmental, and that is what needs to be addressed.
You need to seek actual help from a doctor. While I do believe there are aspects of magic and spirituality (whether from a symbolic perspective or active-spiritual one with all its special spooky woo), I think you'll make the best strides towards an actually healthy life by consulting someone whose life has been dedicated to studying the human mind. You'll be surprised what they can tell you, what you'll learn, and how they can help. Again, it's a process. It's an active one in which you will need to participate. Mental health isn't something done to you, it's something you achieve, or at least pursue. And I think if you apply yourself, you can get onto a much better path.
