Manipulating my feelings

How would I manipulate my own emotions? I am drawn to this feeling that I lack words to describe: despair, jealousy, responsibility, trust and lack of trust combined. I would like to be able to feel lit strongly. I have lavender, rosemary, sage, many cooking spices, yoga eye pillows, lots of hot water, roses, and many herbal teas. I can't use candles because I live with my parents and I don't want to desecrate our personal religious candle. I am not trying to play victim... I just want to know why this shadow has been chasing me my life and if it can really and truly bring me happiness. Thank you very much fellow meditators!

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