You walk through a forest blanketed in fading stars and morning dew, following a dim and flickering light. The voices of Skalds and Bards and whimsical laughter swell as you approach a group of friendly folk sitting on logs around a fire.
"Ah, welcome stranger! Come and sit dear friend, for we're sharing tales of our history and making. Perhaps your own, as well," you'll hear in savory tones.
Written by PartyVanadis (our own Blue ) March 8th of 2015
There once was a king who had three daughters, just like literally every other king in fairy tales. And just like all those other kings, he favored the youngest. How mainstream. So he gave his favorite child a little golden ball that shone like the sun and it was her most favoritest thing in the world. It's the simple things in life, I guess.
The princess would go down into the forest during the day and play with her ball next to a small pond. One day, she threw it up way too damn high and couldn't catch it and so it fell into the pond. Then the girl started crying harder than a fat dude in front of an empty fridge. A frog heard her weeping and asked what her problem was and she told him that she lost her toy in the water. The frog told her that he could fetch her ball. So the princess said, "Oh yay! Happiness! I'll give you whatever you want in return!!!!!! I promise!!!!!"
"I want you to take me home and love me and let me do the sex on top of you." Said the frog.
The princess was totally grossed out but was just like "ok, whatever" thinking that she would just take the ball and leave without keeping her promise to the frog. So the frog dove into the pond and brought the ball back up and gave it to the girl, who quickly snatched it out of whatever webbed monstrosities frog called hands and ran back to her father's castle.
The next day, the princess did not go back to her usual haunt by the pond but instead stayed in the castle. As she was eating dinner with her family, there came a knocking at the door. The king asked her to answer it because I guess the servants are too good to answer doors now, and she did. The princess opened the door and there was no one there. Then a loud croak sounded from the ground, and she looked down and saw the frog and slammed the door without even blinking.
The croaking became louder and increasingly more annoying and the king asked his youngest daughter who was at the door. The princess told him about the frog and so he was just like "That's really grody but a promise is a promise so go let that frog in."
The daughter pouted and let the frog in. That night the frog told her to get the bed ready and she started crying like the little bitch that she was and threw him against the wall screaming "DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE!!!!!!!!"
The frog made a squishing sound as it hit the wall and left a slime trail as it slid to the floor. But when it reached the ground, it wasn't a frog but a smoking hot prince. Then they got it on and lived happily ever after.
Oh I'll be honest, I loved that story. We need more storytelling like this! My father used to tell them in this manner and I think it makes things really fun and engaging.
Once upon a time, there were three apprentices. They were quite ambitious, hard-working, and extremely loyal. The three young men traveled around, doing odd jobs wherever they could find them. Pretty normal, right? Nah. They always stuck together. Like glue. Remember how they were extremely loyal? Yeah. I was telling the 100% truth.
Well, after awhile, they could no longer find masters to apprentice with and were faced with a tough choice. In the next town they traveled to, they decided that if they were unable to find jobs, they should split up and just try to keep in touch with skype because facebook sucks.
So at the next town they came to, the apprentices stopped by the local inn to ask around and get the gossip. They explained their situation to the bartender, who I imagine looks something like Donald Trump because he's grody. Anyways, the barman said, "Oh yeah, I can help you out. If you do what I tell you, you'll all be rich af."
One of the apprentices looked down at the dude's feet and was just like "EW" because he had cloven hooves and not normal human feet.
Then another apprentice asked, "Yo, are we about to sell our souls to the freaking devil?"
So Drumpf, I mean, the shady-ass, fugly bartender was like, "Nah bro, I want someone else's soul, not your guys's." Then the apprentices just shrugged like it was all ok. With the younger dudes' consent, the old guy went on, "All right. From now on, you all can only say one phrase. The first of you can only say, 'All three of us,' the second must say, 'For money,' and the third, 'And quite right too!'" The men nodded in agreement before the barkeep continued, "You must repeat it in that exact order and never say even one word more. If you follow my directions, you will be rich, but if you disobey, you'll be poor again." He then gave them a buttload of cash and sent them on their merry way.
The next evening, they came to another inn, where the innkeeper asked them if they wanted anything to eat. And it went something like this. There's so much freaking dialogue, I've got to change up the format a little:
Innkeeper: "Welcome to Chili's! May I help you?"
1: "All three of us."
Innkeeper: "Yep yep. That is my intention. To feed all of you."
2: "For money."
Innkeeper: "Well duh. You ain't eating for free. I'm running a damn business here."
3: "And quite right too!"
Innkeeper: "Hells yeah!"
So they ate well that night because they were rich now, but everyone thought that they were batshit crazy. Although, if you work in the service industry, you'd know that that kind of behavior is pretty normal, even sane compared to some of the lunatics I see at work.
A few days after the three apprentices arrived in town, a rich merchant showed up and he was boasting about his wealth. Now this guy, is Donald Trump, not that one barkeep. Cause this guy was a pretty big asshole and he could have had cloven hooves for a face and it would be an improvement.
Anyways, the inkeeper/waiter murdered the merchant in his sleep for his gold, and the next morning, he blamed the three apprentices because everyone thought they were crazy, which made them really easy targets. The innkeeper set them up in his basement to keep them from disturbing the other guests, but the three still knew and understood everything that went down in town.
When the cops asked if they killed the merchant, the apprentices repeated, in proper order: "All three of us," "For money," "And quite right too!" This was their confession, and the three friends were then condemned to death because this is medieval times and this is how medieval justice works.
That night, the devil came to them and said, "If you just keep on keepin on, I pinkie promise with a cherry on top that you won't be killed and you'll still be rich."
When the day finally came that the apprentices were to be executed, they were forced to give their confession yet again. As they stood, ready to be beheaded, a lavish carriage drifted (and I really mean he drifted - in the original story, it was going so fast, the pavement stones sparked) into the town square, and out popped the devil himself, dressed in the finest duds. "Give these men a pardon," he shouted to the headsman before turning to the apprentices. "You three are innocent and are free to speak."
Immediately, one of the apprentices faced the crowd and proclaimed, "It was the inkeeper. If you look in his basement, there are more bodies as proof. He is one seriously messed up mofo."
Everyone was shocked, but the basement of the inn was checked anyway, and what the apprentices had told them was true. The innkeeper had not only murdered the merchant, but also several others, and he was executed in place of the apprentices.
Afterwards, the shady, old barman told the young guys, "I've finally got the soul I wanted, and you three are free and set up for life."
