I'm always looking to add to my collection of heathenry related jokes. Feel free to share some if you know of any.
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Our (Asatru) Top Ten
Top ten things that can instantly identify a newbie Asatruar:
10. There isn't any lint in the beeswax lining their horn.
9. When enraged, they cast a 'spell' shouting "THORN!" "THORN!!" "THORN!!!"
8. They come to a blot wearing a horned helmet, and proceed to toast marshmallows over the ritual fire using the horn-tips.
7. Spotting the rare femal Asatruar they swagger up and say, "Hey baby,
wanta see my sword?"
6. They bring their athame (pronounced A-frame) and say "can this be blessed at the Tyr's blot"? (pronounced as "tires blot")
5. They want to argue their new theory about Frigga being the "mother of all gods and goddesses"
4. They think valkyries are nice and sweet, angelic types.
3. They raise a nidhing pole against their enemy...but put it in their own backyard.
2. Nice cape...vinyl?
1. They write to the Asatru list wondering why "everyone just can't get along like brothers and sisters"
Top ten things that can instantly identify the veteran Asatruer:
10. They're wearing (gasp!) regular clothes at a blot.
9. In talking about Jung's theories of archtypes, they actually know what Jung meant.
8. They (or their girlfriend) have enough amber on them to sink a small longship.
7. They've developed a Macintosh version of Tafl
6. They're no longer worried about going to Hel when they die.
5. Their phone bill is sky-high from calling someone who lives in Southern New Mexico, (or Texas)
4. On the Asatru list, they've gone from 'lurking' to 'posting volumes' but are now back to 'lurking'
3. They can beat you at glima....
2. Their kindred has more than two members.
1. They've been 'set wretched' at some point in the past.
I can't find the original source for this but here it is:
How many Reconstructionist Heathens does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None; if our ancestors managed without lightbulbs, so can we !
How many Scandinavian Heathens ?
- About a dozen. One holds the lightbulb and the others drink enough to make the room spin.
How many Lokeans ?
- Think twice. Do you really want a Lokean to handle your electricity ?
Well, how many Lokeans ?
- *answer is lost in the wailing of the firetruck siren*
How many Theodish ?
- The whole tribe, but the performance will be lead according to custom by the Heogh Beolb Changere.
How many Folkish ?
- Just one, but it takes a while to find one with pure enough ancestry to be worthy to touch the lightbulb.
How many Universalists ?
- Lots. Each has got a differently sized bulb, and tries to make it fit.
How many Organized Heathens ?
- Seven. One to hold the Hammer Ritual and hallow the four walls, one to sing a galdr with Kenaz, one to perform Seidh on behalf of
the deceased bulbs spirit, one to write the newsletter report, and three to go off and found their own way of light-bulb changing.
How many Vanatru does it take to screw in a light-bulb ?
- "Screw is such a base word for Sacred Sexuality..."
How many Lore-Cracks ?
- Well, since Snorri didnt mention lightbulbs, none were excavated and theres no Old Norse word for it,
Im afraid we cannot say for certain whether lightbulb changing was an integral part of our ancestors faith.
How many Modernist Heathens ?
- I dont know. Lets call the electrician.
How many Homesteading Heathens ?
- "Now lightbulbs, you gotta plant them in spring..."
How many Odinists ?
- None. The death of the lightbulb is part of Odins plan for humankind. It will return from Hel after Ragnarok.
How many Soulmatrix Workers ?
- Just one. As the old lightbulbs litr and nd seem to have gone out in a flash of odhr, he invokes the bulbs disir
and invites its fylga to settle into the new bulb according to wyrd, hopefully with better hamingja
How many Seidhworkers ?
- A chorus of nine is chanting, while the Seidhworker accompanies the late bulbs spirit to the Gate of Hel (hoping it will be reborn
to its tribe later), then conveniently screws the new bulb in from his High Seat under the socket.
How many RuneVitkis ?
- One, but its really hard to scratch runes on the glass.
How many Christian-Bashers ?
- Lightbulbs are the product of a Christian culture. Good riddance !
If bartenders keep asking you, Whats mead? you might be a Viking.
If you rate your new cars in oarpower instead of horsepower, you might be
a Viking.
If a strange, very big read headed man shows up for dinner and eats you
out of house and home, you might be a Viking.
If you consider beer and herring a gourmet meal, you might be a Viking.
If you think that a Lutheran is nothing more than a quick source
of money,you might be a Viking.
If your new girlfriend is dismayed to find that youve given a
personal name to each one of your kitchen knives,
you might be a Viking.
If you think that attacking and looting small towns is a good way to meet
people, you might be a Viking.
If, after reciting your family lineage and history, you find that
your friends all left two hours ago, you might be a Viking.
If you think that Helga, Gertruda and Snotra are really very pretty names
for girls, you might be a Viking.
If the best thing you can say about France is that you left most of it
standing, you might be a Viking.
If youve changed your name from Joe Schmit to Hralfnkel
Niflgrimsson, you are probably a Viking.
If modern day pirates off the Florida coast sounds to you like a
good career opportunity, you might be a Viking.
If you think that Old Norse is an easy-to-learn, attractive and
user-friendly language, you might be a Viking.
If your idea of heavy spices are salt and pepper, you might be a Viking.
If you think that a trip to Iowa is an exotic adventure, you might be a
very brave Viking.
If you finish your European vacation with more money than when you
started, you might very well be a Viking.
If a strange, one-handed man shows up at your house, drinks all your beer,
pronounces sentence on your fundamentalist neighbor, points out all the
legal inaccuracies of the latest NYPD blues and leaves a wolf chained to your new
Ford Mustang, you might be a Viking
