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Using random people as guinea pigs without a cause would be unwise. First is the potential for blowback on magic; rule of three, Karma, Wyrd, call it what you will. Second, if these people inevitably start feeling influenced negatively or like they are being cursed, hexed, or otherwise being put-on spiritually/magically, you will just be proving yourself to be worthy of their Animosity. Or worse, deserving of persecution/retaliation. Remember that when people feel attacked they go looking for the source.
In all cases, in the end the person getting hurt will always be you. One way or another. Be it spiritually by blowback, physically by people responding to you attacking them (and justified in doing so) of morally by going right back to your old mistakes of blind dabbling and using magic for the wrong reasons.
By what you have said, you have grown as a person since then, and you have developed some Self awareness. This is a good thing. You saw a problem, recognized a potentially negative path that you didn't want to walk, and stepped back to have a bit of a proverbial reset. This is a normal part of the journey as far as I am concerned. Moreover, I think it is not a sign that you should give up, but just the opposite. It tells me that you are working to better yourself. Magic, witchcraft, and spirituality in general can be very good tools in that regard, and for you it seems to be one factor in driving that growth.
I have a couple recommendations that helped me in finding a way forward;
- The first mark of wisdom is silence. This does not mean 'vow of silence', mind you. But rather, just to keep what you do for yourself. It can be exciting to follow a new path and learn no things. True. And wanting to share those things you learned is also a natural urge. People want to share their excitement with others, to have others get excited too and validate how you feel.
The trouble is that not everyone will experience what you do. Nor will they all want to believe-in or understand things the way you will. So you open yourself to ridicule, misunderstanding, or even attack. People learn differently. They understand differently. And they grow differently. Even if what you want to share is some grand, far reaching, life changing universal truth that could change life for the better forever, if the audience isn't at a point themselves where they are able to understand it, it will only be offensive to them.
Ever have a friend give you advice that you didn't want to hear? And go defensive and get angry and think how that person is just an idiot, only to realise on your own days/weeks/years later that your friend was right? It is the same thing. Which conveniently leads me to my second bit of (apparently very long-winded) advice.
-A wise person will not disturb a sleeping dog. I was told this line a long time ago, and it never clicked on the 'spiritually relevant' scale until recently. ... Basically just now while writing this in fact, so thank you for helping me in making a realization of my own! Until now, I thought of this literally. It was to say that a wise person is compassionate and doesn't cause harm unnecessarily. Naturally this still applies and is true, of course. But more figuratively one also should not try to 'wake up' those who don't want to be. Just like a sleeping animal, they will more than likely turn and bite to protect themselves. If a person is looking for something, and they are ready to hear something new, they will come to you and the conversation will happen basically spontaneously with neither person being able to recall just how it started. Synchronicity is like that. So just do your thing. Don't hide, but don't advertise either. Don't be afraid to talk about what you practice, but let the topic come up naturally when it is meant to. And even then, trust in your feelings and instincts. And even for those you encounter who already have a bad view/attitude, ...
-Don't lie or insult. Meet aggression with compassion. Meet insults with friendliness. Don't -tell- people they are wrong, live correctly and -show- them they are mistaken. This is a hard lesson to put into practice. Insults, threats, being ostracized, they all hurt when you don't yet have a strong sense of Self, when you and your ideas still feel vulnerable and/or fragile. And, unfortunately, this part is a lifelong process of slow, gradual change. It helps to remind yourself that it is perfectly alright for people to not believe or understand things the same way as you. In fact, you should always consider the possible value in their thoughts and ideas. Who is to say that you aren't the one being defensive against a good input that you just don't want to hear? While others may not be right, remember that they may not be wrong either. And even if the person is completely wrong there may still be some nugget of understanding for you to gain by mulling it over.
Heck, I've been on an introspective path for 25 years now and something as simple as putting down ideas I've held for years and years into words, things I have discussed and rehashed and rewritten many ways in many contexts still surprises me with new revelations! ...In retrospect, and on a personal note, While I have learned mostly from reading every book I could get my grubby claws around it is in dealing with people challenging my beliefs that I really learned to understand myself. Whether in conversation, or in reflection afterwords, being forced to explain, quantify, and make logical connections then put it into patient, neutral and cohesive information has actually done me great good over the years. But this only applies if you feel safe, or that the other person is genuinely interested in conversation and not just looking for someone to attack. If that is the case then nothing is more powerful than outright dismissal.
The point of attacking someone is to make the other person respond. Goad them into getting angry or sad or hurt so you know you bothered them. It means you accept what was said as somehow true, and bad. Someone calls you smart, you feel smart and see 'smart' as a good thing about yourself. Someone calls you dumb, and it makes you feel you are dumb and this makes you upset because 'dumb' is seen as bad and reflects poorly on you. ... But what about when a friend calls you dumb in casual banter? Why do people just laugh and remain happy then? It is the same word, with the same meaning, but it no longer bothers you. Why? Because you do not view the statement as true now. It is just friends busting chops, inviting verbal play. Or, maybe because in that moment you did something dumb and it was true, so you admit it, laugh about it, then let it go and leave the moment behind.
The common factor is you, and how you feel about the word and how you allow it to affect you. Where it comes from doesn't matter one whit. So if the choice is yours, why choose to be bothered? If a fellow witch can call you a witch and you feel happy, then why should some random person calling you a witch make you feel sad or embarrassed? Why not just a casual indifference? Someone calls you a witch, for good or Ill intent, a good response would be a simple "so what?" Followed by walking away.
So, I guess one -very- long winded block of eyeball drying text later, my advice in a nutshell is "you do you, let them do them, and see if/when things meet in the middle. Just don't worry about the rest."
*edited addendum* Sorry to make this wall of text even longer, but immediately after posting my original version one last thought hit me, and I didn't want to double-post/spam.
It hit on me one other thing which I had been taught, which is that the world around us tends to be a mirror of the world within us. It is worth considering this when it comes to those friends/former friends and how they acted towards you.
By your own admission, you weren't exactly operating well on your chosen path. Acting imbalanced, jumping into magic (and probably other practices) without taking the time to understand them first. They may have been reflecting the results of that imbalance. Revealing that you are doing something wrong. That what you are doing doesn't make sense. Or that you are doing something in a foolish way.
I am sure you have met people of different social cliques, who just take it too far or completely miss the attitude or overall point. The 'wannabe's and posers who think they embody the spirit of their niche but are actually getting it entirely wrong. Treating it superficially or as an excuse to dismiss harmful behaviors. What is your first response to people like that? Usually dismissal, ridicule (even if you don't say it out loud) and a certain measure or fariation of "ew".
But then in the next moment you see another person of the very same niche. And you can tell they 'get it'. The air is different. They suit the style and attitude. And even if you disagree with the idea you can't bring yourself to mock it. Because it makes sense. The person wears it well/looks good in it. It belongs.
This same thing happens all the time in every social (or counter-social) and even spiritual practice. There are 'good' Christians and 'bad' Christians. Good and bad Muslim. Good and bad pagans/hellenists/zarthustra/furries/otherkin/enter literally -anything- else here. Usually the definition is not in the practice itself, but how and why the person carries it- and whether it is a thing used for personal understanding and betterment, or as a show of justification. It is worth considering your friends were seeing you presenting yourself as the latter, and just acting naturally. More of a reaction than a conscious choice to be hurtful.
Give yourself some time, find your balance and instead of finding things to do, explore and consider why you want to do them. Let that be the basis of bettering yourself and see if their attitudes change on their own.
Heck, if you -really- want to throw then for an astounding loop, sit them down eventually and thank them for exposing a way you were being out of balance, and explain that it helped lead you towards self examination and some personal growth. Even if they could have been nicer about it at the time. Even if, in the end, you choose to keep exploring a magical path it was fuel to help you walk it better than you were before.
It is the specific job of the universe to tweak your nose and push your buttons. If it didn't, what else would challenge us to grow? Why would anyone ever change if what they were doing had no sense of discomfort?
Serious food for reflection... Has anyone, at any time, been able to say "I am truly happy and all is right in the world" and then in the very same breath say "I need to change who I am to be a better person?"
Be thankful to the things that challenge you. Freedom from challenge gains you nothing.
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